![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
Balance Requires Motion 7/9
Title: Balance Requires Motion
Fandom: La Femme Nikita
Pairing: Michael Samuelle/Nikita Wirth
Characters: Michael Samuelle, Adam Samuelle, Nikita Wirth, OCs
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Post Series Fic
Length: 40,300 words
Chapter: 7/9
Summary: "When Michael first saw Nikita standing on his front porch, his whole world splintered and then, between one step and the next, remade itself."
Part 1, Living the Normal Life, can be found here.
Balance Requires Motion, Chapter 1
Balance Requires Motion, Chapter 2
Balance Requires Motion, Chapter 3
Balance Requires Motion, Chapter 4
Balance Requires Motion, Chapter 5
Balance Requires Motion, Chapter 6
******
Adam stared sleepily into the light, late January snow rushing into the headlights as they sped toward St. Paul. His dad was driving, and they were on their way home after a weekend tournament in the far northern region of the state. He was half listening to the music on his iPod and thinking about his current problems, when he heard himself say, “I could use some advice.”
His dad said, “about what?”
Adam almost said, ‘nothing,’ but thought better of it. His dad might be a lying jerk, but he was a pretty cool lying jerk, and anyway, Adam had to talk to somebody about what was going on. At least he knew his dad was really, really good at keeping secrets. He pulled out his earphones and said, “I think I’m in kind of a mess.”
“What kind of mess?”
“Girls.”
“Ah.”
“I’m, sort of, seeing two girls at the same time.”
“Tasha, and –?”
“Erin Andersen.”
“I see.” His dad paused, and then asked, “Do they know you’re seeing more than one person?”
Adam sighed deeply. “Erin knows. Tasha doesn’t.”
“How did it happen?” His dad sounded sympathetic, and not disappointed, which was a huge relief to Adam.
“Erin and I hooked up at a party, last fall. It wasn’t supposed to happen, it just, did. We swore we wouldn’t do it again, that we were just friends.”
“And?”
“Yeah. Well. We did it again. And again. And, we’re kind of, still doing it.”
“Having sex.”
Adam was glad the dark hid his blush. “Yeah.”
“How does Erin feel about that?”
“She says she’s cool with it, just being friends with benefits,” Adam shot his dad a look, making sure he knew what Adam was talking about. He didn’t appear to be confused, so Adam went on. “But, she’s not cool with me lying to Tasha. I’m not feeling so good about that either.”
His dad didn’t say anything, so after another minute Adam told him the rest. “Erin said this weekend that either I come clean with Tasha, or we have to be ‘just friends’.”
“With no benefits.”
“Yeah.”
“And you think she means it.”
“Yeah. I do.”
“Good for Erin.”
Adam said, without heat, “I knew you’d take her side.”
“Whose side are you on?”
“I don’t know.” Adam shifted restlessly. “I don’t want to hurt Tasha’s feelings, or have a big scene, you know? But,” Adam shifted again and fell silent because he did not know what he wanted to say next, or, rather, he knew but he didn’t really want to say it out loud.
Fortunately, his dad said it for him. “But you don’t want to stop being ‘friends with benefits’ with Erin.”
He felt his cheeks heat again. “Yeah.”
“You already know what you have to do.”
“Break up with Tasha.”
“Yes.” After a moment his dad went on, “I think, even without Erin in the picture, your relationship with Tasha has run its course. I think you know that too. That’s probably part of why you ‘hooked up’ with Erin in the first place.”
Adam rolled his eyes at his dad’s profile. “No. I think I hooked up with Erin cause she’s really got it going on.”
Adam saw his dad’s smile, and knew he was laughing at him. Silently, but definitely laughing. His dad said, “Do you want to keep seeing Tasha?”
“No.”
“So, what’s the problem?”
“Is there any way I can get out of this without being a total dick?”
“No.”
Adam shot back, “You’d know, I guess.”
“Yes. I know.”
They rode in silence for what felt like a long while. Finally, Adam said, “I’ve been thinking. Maybe Nicole wasn’t really the person I should have been mad at.”
“No.”
“You were the dick.”
“Yes.”
“And, maybe, you didn’t mean to be.”
“No. I didn’t set out to be. One thing led to another and then it took almost everything I had just to keep both of them alive. In the end, I couldn’t even do that.” Adam could hear, now, all the pain and regret in his dad’s voice. His dad glanced over at him, then back at the road. He said, with more sharpness than Adam thought really necessary, “your stakes aren’t that high.”
“No.” Adam scowled in frustration. “But Tasha is going to cry. A lot. And then yell at me. And then tell everyone what an asshole I am.”
“Yes.”
Adam was silent.
“Do you want to be more than ‘friends with benefits’ with Erin?” his dad asked.
“I don’t know. I don’t think she wants more. At least, not till ski season is over.”
His dad laughed for real then, but didn’t say anything else about Erin. A little while later, as the glow of city lights began to appear on the horizon, he said, “You might tell Nicole what you told me.”
Adam blinked in horror. He was not ready to tell Nikita what a jerk he had been, especially since she had been spending so much time with Tasha lately. He could anticipate quite clearly what Nikita’s reaction to that would be. He said, “Or, I could just apologize for having been a real jackass last fall.”
“Better still.”
******
Nikita snapped her phone closed and stalked into the kitchen. “You know,” she said, glaring at Adam and Michael, “it would be a lot easier for me if you two would keep me up to date on important life developments.”
They both looked up, nearly identical expressions of confused innocence on their faces. Adam, being much younger and much less experienced, said, “What?”
“That was Tasha. Crying.”
Adam started examining the fork in his hand. He sounded contrite as he said, “I didn’t know she had your number. Sorry.”
“I didn’t know either.”
Adam kept his eyes on his silverware, and asked, in a tone of casual disinterest, “What did she want?”
Nikita raised her brow. “To know why you broke up with her, and who you were seeing behind her back.”
Adam’s head shot up again and now his expression was one of guilty apprehension. “What did you tell her?”
“That you were the only person who could answer those questions.” Then Nikita folded her arms across the top of her belly and did her best smiling-Madeline impersonation, saying, “I could have told her the truth.”
Adam looked both startled and far more worried, which Nikita felt was reasonable payback for the tearful phone conversation she had just endured. She kept her smiling-Madeline face on. “You broke up with her because you aren’t interested in her any more, because you don’t really have anything in common. And you’ve been sneaking around with Erin Andersen on the side for the last three months.”
Adam snapped indignantly, “Erin isn’t ‘on the side’!”
Nikita snapped straight back, “To Tasha she was.”
Adam ran his hand through his hair. “I know.”
Nikita added, “do I get to say, ‘I told you so’ now?”
Adam sighed, “I was a jerk.”
Nikita pulled out her chair and sat down. “Yes,” she said. She patted Adam on the arm. “But, everyone is, one time or another.”
“Yeah?”
Nikita relented, because she really did think the right thing had happened, and the likelihood of sixteen year olds handling the end of their first major relationship really well was slim to none, and so she smiled at him. “Oh yeah.”
She picked up her own fork, but then decided that her now cold breakfast was completely unappealing and put it back down again. Michael stood up and whisked her plate away. He said, “I’ll make you something fresh.”
“Thanks.” Nikita smiled gratefully at Michael. Leaning back and sipping her tea, she felt a twist and a thump. She grinned and said to Adam, “baby’s moving. Give me your hand.”
Adam complied and Nikita pressed his palm against her belly, noting again what she had noticed before, that Adam’s hands were about the same size and shape as Michael’s. “Feel that?”
Adam frowned in concentration for a moment, then said “Yeah!”
He looked up at her and grinned. “Pretty cool, mom-to-be.”
******
Nikita frowned at the computer screen, highlighted a block of text, and deleted it. She knew she was over-obsessing about her essay, but, after all, that was the purpose of taking some university courses, right? To explore new things as part of figuring out who she might be and what she might do, now that she could make her own choices? She tried not to dwell too often on the absurdity of her life, that she was just getting around to doing this now, in her late thirties.
She was taking two classes, an introduction to women’s studies course and an art history course. Her only real struggle so far was to be patient as the younger, less-intense students slowed down or interrupted her own full bore enthusiasm for wringing everything she could from the material.
A commotion at the door signaled the arrival of Adam and Michael, and in seconds Adam was yanking out a chair and thumping down across from her. He was rigid with nervous energy, his expression was pleading and his voice was urgent. “Nicole? I need your help. Please.”
“Sure.” Looking away from Adam she caught sight of Michael, dark and stone-faced in the kitchen doorway. More cautiously she asked, “with what?”
“Convincing dad to let me go to the division championships with Erin and her parents.”
“But, I thought you didn’t qualify?”
Nikita was confused. She had skipped the trip last month to the upper peninsula of Michigan for the February regional meet, eight hours in the car each way with the baby squashing her bladder had not appealed to her at all, but she was sure she had properly understood the results. Adam had done very well, but not quite well enough to go on.
“I didn’t. Erin did.”
“So, why would you go?”
Adam raised his chin. “Supporting boyfriend.”
“Oh.” Nikita suppressed her laughter at the sight of Adam’s expression of defiant embarrassment. “When did this happen, this official ‘girlfriend, boyfriend’ status?”
He lifted his shoulder, “A while ago, does that matter?”
“Define ‘a while’.”
“Like, two weeks ago. Okay?” Adam rushed on, batting away the mundane details. “Erin asked if I would come be with her, and her parents said that they were cool with it, and now dad is being all negative about it.”
“Well. Flattered as I am that you are appealing to me for help, I don’t think–“
Adam cut her off, “Please. I’m not asking you to do anything but talk to him about it. Please?”
“Okay.”
Adam beamed in relief. “Thanks!”
She shook her head at him. “No promises, Adam. Just talk.”
“Thank you! Thank you, thank you!” Adam hopped out of the chair, then fidgeted helplessly for a moment, obviously torn between wanting to fling his arms around her and hug her but not yet ready to cross that line, then he gave up and bolted out of the room.
As the sound of Adam’s thudding passage to the basement faded, Nikita folded her hands over her belly, sat back and gave Michael a long look. Unlike his son, he did not flee, but he did find something fascinating in the living room to stare at. A smile tugging at her lips, she said, “you said ‘no’ before you even thought about it, didn’t you?”
“Maybe.”
“Have you thought it about it now?”
When he didn’t move or answer, she said, “it would be nice to have a few days when it was just us, don’t you think?”
Michael still wouldn’t look at her, but she saw the smile as he shrugged. Unlike Adam, Nikita had no problem heaving herself out of her chair to fling her arms around Michael.
Michael did give his permission for Adam to go, to Adam’s delighted relief. After that the only hurdle was Miranda Andersen’s phone call to Nikita, in which she asked Nikita point blank if Adam and Erin were having sex with each other.
Nikita took a deep breath, ran rapidly through the various options and their consequences, and then told Miranda the truth. “Assuming ‘hooking up’ means ‘having sex’? Yes. They are. Since last fall.”
“Last fall?” Miranda’s voice grew rather faint.
“If you and Pete don’t want to deal with it, I understand. It is – weird – dealing with horny teenagers. I’m sure Adam and Erin will understand, too.”
Well, actually she was sure Adam would be a horrible pouting nightmare about it if the trip were derailed at this point, but it wasn’t her call to make.
“No….” Miranda trailed off, obviously not saying something.
Nikita offered, “Mike has done a really good job with the whole safer-sex education thing, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“No. No. Erin’s got that well in hand.” Miranda paused, then burst out, “The truth is, at the junior nationals two years ago, Erin had a really awful experience with an older boy. She has always refused to talk with us about it, but I’m sure he raped her. That’s why she wouldn’t go last year. I think that’s why she wants Adam to come with her this year.”
Nikita had to take a moment to absorb that information. At last she said, “Well, then I think we should trust Erin’s judgment about what she needs now. And if a ‘visible boyfriend’ charm is working for her, that’s a good thing. And Adam’s a good kid.”
“I had heard he had a different girlfriend until quite recently.”
“Oh. Oh.” Nikita felt enlightenment dawn. “Yes. He did. It took him a long time to work up the courage to make a clean break, because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Which was juvenile, but….” Nikita trailed off and let Miranda draw the obvious conclusion. Nikita went on, “He did the right thing in the end, by the way, and took the consequences for it too, because Erin told him he had too.”
Before Adam left with Erin and her parents for Colorado, Nikita sat him down and told him the gossip Erin’s parents had heard about him and Tasha, and that it bothered them to think that Adam might hurt Erin in a similar fashion. “Erin clearly trusts you, when it’s not obvious why she should feel that way given that you started out by cheating on your girlfriend to be with her.”
Adam paled then flushed, sinking in on himself and staring down at his hands. After a long pause he straightened up and looked directly at Nikita. “Me and Erin, we’ve been friends for a long time.”
“Yes. I know.” She smiled encouragingly; suddenly certain there was something important about what Adam was going to say.
“Erin trusts me because I trust her too.”
Nikita just waited him out.
“When we were kids, we got stuck in her basement. I had, kind of…” Adam trailed off and shrugged uncomfortably, staring down at his hands again, which he had unconsciously fisted until his knuckles turned white. He deliberately spread his hands flat on the table before he continued. “I had, like, a flashback. I was really freaked out. I couldn’t breathe. I started to cry and Erin, she helped me calm down. I told her about what happened, back in France. Not everything, but more than I’ve ever told anyone else.”
Adam looked up at Nikita again. “She’s never told anybody. Not even her folks.
“So, that’s why you trust her.”
“And why she trusts me. That party, last fall, there was this asshole senior giving her a hard time. She was obviously really freaked by it. After she told him to shove off I asked her what was wrong. She told me some stuff,” Adam hesitated for a moment, then went on. “It’s not my stuff. But that’s when,” he broke into a brilliant smile, “our stuff started.”
Nikita was impressed with both of them, and yet more perplexed than ever. “So, why didn’t you make a clean break with Tasha right then?”
Adam covered his eyes with his hand. His voice was muffled when he said. “Because I was being a dick.”
“Which is what Erin’s parents are afraid of.”
He dropped his head to the table and his voice echoed hollowly. “I know.”
Concerned that she had over done it, Nikita worked to restore him to cheerfulness by reminding him that Erin wanted him to come with her, and her parents had, in fact agreed. And that learning how to handle relationships well was a normal part of growing up. Adam eventually recovered enough to laugh a little and say, “Yeah, okay. I get it. Thanks.” He shot her a quizzical look, “did you make stupid dating mistakes when you were in high school?”
It was one of those moments that snuck up on her, and left her shocked and a little breathless as the horror show of her past life reared up in all its crystalline sharpness, mocking everything she thought she had today. “I–“ she paused, and tried again. “I didn’t go to any one high school long enough, and I was too much of an outsider to have boyfriends.”
She abruptly felt ashamed of herself. “I’m the last person who should be trying to tell you what’s normal, Adam. Not one damn thing about my life has ever been normal. The closest I’ve ever come to living a normal life is the last eight months, here, with you and your dad.”
Adam reached out and squeezed her hand. “Well, you fooled me, because you’re doing a really good job.”
Nikita’s heart swelled and she smiled while sternly telling herself not to cry. “Thanks.”
Other than Erin not doing as well as she had hoped in the races themselves, Nikita gathered from all reports that the trip out west had otherwise apparently been a splendid success. Which was good because as her due date was rapidly approaching it was a relief to feel that she could let Adam and the drama of his romantic life fade into the background.
The last of the snow melted in late March, ushering in grey, muddy weather. Adam’s old bedroom was repainted a pale yellow and re-furnished as a nursery. Nikita pulled out the Persian-carpet floor pillows she had found in the autumn and saved ever since, put them in the baby’s room, and silently dared Adam or Michael to say anything at all about them; a dare they had both wisely declined.
In early April the trees began to push out their first bright green leaves and the crocuses and daffodils and tulips burst into riotous spring color. Women from her ski group, working with Miranda and Erin, organized a baby shower for her and Michael. Between their hosts and their partners and their kids, the rest of the families she had met through Michael and Adam, from hunting, or the dojo, or Adam’s sports, and a handful of new friends of her own from her university classes, there were literally scores of people at the Andersen’s house offering gifts and congratulations. Nikita had never in her entire life experienced anything as amazing and as disinterested and as open as that, certainly nothing focused around herself and without any threat of the imminent destruction of the world-as-they-knew-it. She was so overwhelmed she had shut herself in a bathroom and wept while Michael guarded the door and made excuses based on late stage pregnancy.
She was overwhelmed all over again, in a different way, once Adam and his friends carried in all the baby gear they had received, strollers and car seats and a swing and jumpers and baby carriers and diaper bags and a portable crib and a saucer and a highchair and diaper pails and crib mobiles, not to mention piles of clothes and towels and blankets and stuffed animals, and bottles and dishes and spoons and diapers and wipes and creams and lotions, and it filled the living room and spilled into the dining room as well.
Staring at it all in a daze she asked, “did you and Elena have this much stuff for Adam?”
“Yes. We did.” Michael looked a little dazed himself. “But,” he shrugged helplessly, “our house was more than twice as big, so there was someplace to put it all.”
A week out from her due-date, Nikita had read and re-read dozens of books about babies and childbirth, drawn up her ideal birth plan, prepared a kit with all the recommend items, and had knitted two blankets, an afghan, and after a few false starts, booties and an infant cap.
By herself and with Michael, she organized their papers, prepared new documents, stockpiled cash, laid in extra medical supplies, and packed emergency bags for all four of them. It would be just like the Section, had they tracked her after all, to strike while they were at their most distracted and most vulnerable, and least likely to react violently. Certainly, it was the kind of thing she had done, when she was in charge.
Drawing on her still faintly audible Australian drawl, Nikita had created a family history for herself and shared it freely whenever she needed to. Which, given her pregnancy and the inevitable discussions of families and child raising that flowed from this, was often.
This history explained both her accent and set the stage for any quick exit. She highhandedly moved her only sister to Brisbane, and saddled her with their elderly and difficult mother. The imaginary difficult mother being both the reason Nikita had spent her adult life outside of Australia, and the reason they might have to pick up at a moment’s notice to help Nikita’s sister in the event of accident or illness. As in real life, their father was dead. It disturbingly easy to express real anger and real resentment for her sister, and to tell true stories about her childhood living on the thin margin of disaster with an erratic, alcoholic mother.
Everything was ready when the baby came, within a day of his due date. He was born at home, with a midwife in attendance, because Michael and Nikita felt there was no reason to have more contact with officials or hospitals – and their record systems – than necessary. As her pregnancy had been problem free, so was her delivery. Michael and Adam were there, Michael caught the baby and Adam held him while Michael cut the cord. He was healthy and strong and had blue eyes and reddish brown hair. They named him Robert, and called him Robby.
*****
Fandom: La Femme Nikita
Pairing: Michael Samuelle/Nikita Wirth
Characters: Michael Samuelle, Adam Samuelle, Nikita Wirth, OCs
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Post Series Fic
Length: 40,300 words
Chapter: 7/9
Summary: "When Michael first saw Nikita standing on his front porch, his whole world splintered and then, between one step and the next, remade itself."
Part 1, Living the Normal Life, can be found here.
Balance Requires Motion, Chapter 1
Balance Requires Motion, Chapter 2
Balance Requires Motion, Chapter 3
Balance Requires Motion, Chapter 4
Balance Requires Motion, Chapter 5
Balance Requires Motion, Chapter 6
******
Adam stared sleepily into the light, late January snow rushing into the headlights as they sped toward St. Paul. His dad was driving, and they were on their way home after a weekend tournament in the far northern region of the state. He was half listening to the music on his iPod and thinking about his current problems, when he heard himself say, “I could use some advice.”
His dad said, “about what?”
Adam almost said, ‘nothing,’ but thought better of it. His dad might be a lying jerk, but he was a pretty cool lying jerk, and anyway, Adam had to talk to somebody about what was going on. At least he knew his dad was really, really good at keeping secrets. He pulled out his earphones and said, “I think I’m in kind of a mess.”
“What kind of mess?”
“Girls.”
“Ah.”
“I’m, sort of, seeing two girls at the same time.”
“Tasha, and –?”
“Erin Andersen.”
“I see.” His dad paused, and then asked, “Do they know you’re seeing more than one person?”
Adam sighed deeply. “Erin knows. Tasha doesn’t.”
“How did it happen?” His dad sounded sympathetic, and not disappointed, which was a huge relief to Adam.
“Erin and I hooked up at a party, last fall. It wasn’t supposed to happen, it just, did. We swore we wouldn’t do it again, that we were just friends.”
“And?”
“Yeah. Well. We did it again. And again. And, we’re kind of, still doing it.”
“Having sex.”
Adam was glad the dark hid his blush. “Yeah.”
“How does Erin feel about that?”
“She says she’s cool with it, just being friends with benefits,” Adam shot his dad a look, making sure he knew what Adam was talking about. He didn’t appear to be confused, so Adam went on. “But, she’s not cool with me lying to Tasha. I’m not feeling so good about that either.”
His dad didn’t say anything, so after another minute Adam told him the rest. “Erin said this weekend that either I come clean with Tasha, or we have to be ‘just friends’.”
“With no benefits.”
“Yeah.”
“And you think she means it.”
“Yeah. I do.”
“Good for Erin.”
Adam said, without heat, “I knew you’d take her side.”
“Whose side are you on?”
“I don’t know.” Adam shifted restlessly. “I don’t want to hurt Tasha’s feelings, or have a big scene, you know? But,” Adam shifted again and fell silent because he did not know what he wanted to say next, or, rather, he knew but he didn’t really want to say it out loud.
Fortunately, his dad said it for him. “But you don’t want to stop being ‘friends with benefits’ with Erin.”
He felt his cheeks heat again. “Yeah.”
“You already know what you have to do.”
“Break up with Tasha.”
“Yes.” After a moment his dad went on, “I think, even without Erin in the picture, your relationship with Tasha has run its course. I think you know that too. That’s probably part of why you ‘hooked up’ with Erin in the first place.”
Adam rolled his eyes at his dad’s profile. “No. I think I hooked up with Erin cause she’s really got it going on.”
Adam saw his dad’s smile, and knew he was laughing at him. Silently, but definitely laughing. His dad said, “Do you want to keep seeing Tasha?”
“No.”
“So, what’s the problem?”
“Is there any way I can get out of this without being a total dick?”
“No.”
Adam shot back, “You’d know, I guess.”
“Yes. I know.”
They rode in silence for what felt like a long while. Finally, Adam said, “I’ve been thinking. Maybe Nicole wasn’t really the person I should have been mad at.”
“No.”
“You were the dick.”
“Yes.”
“And, maybe, you didn’t mean to be.”
“No. I didn’t set out to be. One thing led to another and then it took almost everything I had just to keep both of them alive. In the end, I couldn’t even do that.” Adam could hear, now, all the pain and regret in his dad’s voice. His dad glanced over at him, then back at the road. He said, with more sharpness than Adam thought really necessary, “your stakes aren’t that high.”
“No.” Adam scowled in frustration. “But Tasha is going to cry. A lot. And then yell at me. And then tell everyone what an asshole I am.”
“Yes.”
Adam was silent.
“Do you want to be more than ‘friends with benefits’ with Erin?” his dad asked.
“I don’t know. I don’t think she wants more. At least, not till ski season is over.”
His dad laughed for real then, but didn’t say anything else about Erin. A little while later, as the glow of city lights began to appear on the horizon, he said, “You might tell Nicole what you told me.”
Adam blinked in horror. He was not ready to tell Nikita what a jerk he had been, especially since she had been spending so much time with Tasha lately. He could anticipate quite clearly what Nikita’s reaction to that would be. He said, “Or, I could just apologize for having been a real jackass last fall.”
“Better still.”
******
Nikita snapped her phone closed and stalked into the kitchen. “You know,” she said, glaring at Adam and Michael, “it would be a lot easier for me if you two would keep me up to date on important life developments.”
They both looked up, nearly identical expressions of confused innocence on their faces. Adam, being much younger and much less experienced, said, “What?”
“That was Tasha. Crying.”
Adam started examining the fork in his hand. He sounded contrite as he said, “I didn’t know she had your number. Sorry.”
“I didn’t know either.”
Adam kept his eyes on his silverware, and asked, in a tone of casual disinterest, “What did she want?”
Nikita raised her brow. “To know why you broke up with her, and who you were seeing behind her back.”
Adam’s head shot up again and now his expression was one of guilty apprehension. “What did you tell her?”
“That you were the only person who could answer those questions.” Then Nikita folded her arms across the top of her belly and did her best smiling-Madeline impersonation, saying, “I could have told her the truth.”
Adam looked both startled and far more worried, which Nikita felt was reasonable payback for the tearful phone conversation she had just endured. She kept her smiling-Madeline face on. “You broke up with her because you aren’t interested in her any more, because you don’t really have anything in common. And you’ve been sneaking around with Erin Andersen on the side for the last three months.”
Adam snapped indignantly, “Erin isn’t ‘on the side’!”
Nikita snapped straight back, “To Tasha she was.”
Adam ran his hand through his hair. “I know.”
Nikita added, “do I get to say, ‘I told you so’ now?”
Adam sighed, “I was a jerk.”
Nikita pulled out her chair and sat down. “Yes,” she said. She patted Adam on the arm. “But, everyone is, one time or another.”
“Yeah?”
Nikita relented, because she really did think the right thing had happened, and the likelihood of sixteen year olds handling the end of their first major relationship really well was slim to none, and so she smiled at him. “Oh yeah.”
She picked up her own fork, but then decided that her now cold breakfast was completely unappealing and put it back down again. Michael stood up and whisked her plate away. He said, “I’ll make you something fresh.”
“Thanks.” Nikita smiled gratefully at Michael. Leaning back and sipping her tea, she felt a twist and a thump. She grinned and said to Adam, “baby’s moving. Give me your hand.”
Adam complied and Nikita pressed his palm against her belly, noting again what she had noticed before, that Adam’s hands were about the same size and shape as Michael’s. “Feel that?”
Adam frowned in concentration for a moment, then said “Yeah!”
He looked up at her and grinned. “Pretty cool, mom-to-be.”
******
Nikita frowned at the computer screen, highlighted a block of text, and deleted it. She knew she was over-obsessing about her essay, but, after all, that was the purpose of taking some university courses, right? To explore new things as part of figuring out who she might be and what she might do, now that she could make her own choices? She tried not to dwell too often on the absurdity of her life, that she was just getting around to doing this now, in her late thirties.
She was taking two classes, an introduction to women’s studies course and an art history course. Her only real struggle so far was to be patient as the younger, less-intense students slowed down or interrupted her own full bore enthusiasm for wringing everything she could from the material.
A commotion at the door signaled the arrival of Adam and Michael, and in seconds Adam was yanking out a chair and thumping down across from her. He was rigid with nervous energy, his expression was pleading and his voice was urgent. “Nicole? I need your help. Please.”
“Sure.” Looking away from Adam she caught sight of Michael, dark and stone-faced in the kitchen doorway. More cautiously she asked, “with what?”
“Convincing dad to let me go to the division championships with Erin and her parents.”
“But, I thought you didn’t qualify?”
Nikita was confused. She had skipped the trip last month to the upper peninsula of Michigan for the February regional meet, eight hours in the car each way with the baby squashing her bladder had not appealed to her at all, but she was sure she had properly understood the results. Adam had done very well, but not quite well enough to go on.
“I didn’t. Erin did.”
“So, why would you go?”
Adam raised his chin. “Supporting boyfriend.”
“Oh.” Nikita suppressed her laughter at the sight of Adam’s expression of defiant embarrassment. “When did this happen, this official ‘girlfriend, boyfriend’ status?”
He lifted his shoulder, “A while ago, does that matter?”
“Define ‘a while’.”
“Like, two weeks ago. Okay?” Adam rushed on, batting away the mundane details. “Erin asked if I would come be with her, and her parents said that they were cool with it, and now dad is being all negative about it.”
“Well. Flattered as I am that you are appealing to me for help, I don’t think–“
Adam cut her off, “Please. I’m not asking you to do anything but talk to him about it. Please?”
“Okay.”
Adam beamed in relief. “Thanks!”
She shook her head at him. “No promises, Adam. Just talk.”
“Thank you! Thank you, thank you!” Adam hopped out of the chair, then fidgeted helplessly for a moment, obviously torn between wanting to fling his arms around her and hug her but not yet ready to cross that line, then he gave up and bolted out of the room.
As the sound of Adam’s thudding passage to the basement faded, Nikita folded her hands over her belly, sat back and gave Michael a long look. Unlike his son, he did not flee, but he did find something fascinating in the living room to stare at. A smile tugging at her lips, she said, “you said ‘no’ before you even thought about it, didn’t you?”
“Maybe.”
“Have you thought it about it now?”
When he didn’t move or answer, she said, “it would be nice to have a few days when it was just us, don’t you think?”
Michael still wouldn’t look at her, but she saw the smile as he shrugged. Unlike Adam, Nikita had no problem heaving herself out of her chair to fling her arms around Michael.
Michael did give his permission for Adam to go, to Adam’s delighted relief. After that the only hurdle was Miranda Andersen’s phone call to Nikita, in which she asked Nikita point blank if Adam and Erin were having sex with each other.
Nikita took a deep breath, ran rapidly through the various options and their consequences, and then told Miranda the truth. “Assuming ‘hooking up’ means ‘having sex’? Yes. They are. Since last fall.”
“Last fall?” Miranda’s voice grew rather faint.
“If you and Pete don’t want to deal with it, I understand. It is – weird – dealing with horny teenagers. I’m sure Adam and Erin will understand, too.”
Well, actually she was sure Adam would be a horrible pouting nightmare about it if the trip were derailed at this point, but it wasn’t her call to make.
“No….” Miranda trailed off, obviously not saying something.
Nikita offered, “Mike has done a really good job with the whole safer-sex education thing, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“No. No. Erin’s got that well in hand.” Miranda paused, then burst out, “The truth is, at the junior nationals two years ago, Erin had a really awful experience with an older boy. She has always refused to talk with us about it, but I’m sure he raped her. That’s why she wouldn’t go last year. I think that’s why she wants Adam to come with her this year.”
Nikita had to take a moment to absorb that information. At last she said, “Well, then I think we should trust Erin’s judgment about what she needs now. And if a ‘visible boyfriend’ charm is working for her, that’s a good thing. And Adam’s a good kid.”
“I had heard he had a different girlfriend until quite recently.”
“Oh. Oh.” Nikita felt enlightenment dawn. “Yes. He did. It took him a long time to work up the courage to make a clean break, because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Which was juvenile, but….” Nikita trailed off and let Miranda draw the obvious conclusion. Nikita went on, “He did the right thing in the end, by the way, and took the consequences for it too, because Erin told him he had too.”
Before Adam left with Erin and her parents for Colorado, Nikita sat him down and told him the gossip Erin’s parents had heard about him and Tasha, and that it bothered them to think that Adam might hurt Erin in a similar fashion. “Erin clearly trusts you, when it’s not obvious why she should feel that way given that you started out by cheating on your girlfriend to be with her.”
Adam paled then flushed, sinking in on himself and staring down at his hands. After a long pause he straightened up and looked directly at Nikita. “Me and Erin, we’ve been friends for a long time.”
“Yes. I know.” She smiled encouragingly; suddenly certain there was something important about what Adam was going to say.
“Erin trusts me because I trust her too.”
Nikita just waited him out.
“When we were kids, we got stuck in her basement. I had, kind of…” Adam trailed off and shrugged uncomfortably, staring down at his hands again, which he had unconsciously fisted until his knuckles turned white. He deliberately spread his hands flat on the table before he continued. “I had, like, a flashback. I was really freaked out. I couldn’t breathe. I started to cry and Erin, she helped me calm down. I told her about what happened, back in France. Not everything, but more than I’ve ever told anyone else.”
Adam looked up at Nikita again. “She’s never told anybody. Not even her folks.
“So, that’s why you trust her.”
“And why she trusts me. That party, last fall, there was this asshole senior giving her a hard time. She was obviously really freaked by it. After she told him to shove off I asked her what was wrong. She told me some stuff,” Adam hesitated for a moment, then went on. “It’s not my stuff. But that’s when,” he broke into a brilliant smile, “our stuff started.”
Nikita was impressed with both of them, and yet more perplexed than ever. “So, why didn’t you make a clean break with Tasha right then?”
Adam covered his eyes with his hand. His voice was muffled when he said. “Because I was being a dick.”
“Which is what Erin’s parents are afraid of.”
He dropped his head to the table and his voice echoed hollowly. “I know.”
Concerned that she had over done it, Nikita worked to restore him to cheerfulness by reminding him that Erin wanted him to come with her, and her parents had, in fact agreed. And that learning how to handle relationships well was a normal part of growing up. Adam eventually recovered enough to laugh a little and say, “Yeah, okay. I get it. Thanks.” He shot her a quizzical look, “did you make stupid dating mistakes when you were in high school?”
It was one of those moments that snuck up on her, and left her shocked and a little breathless as the horror show of her past life reared up in all its crystalline sharpness, mocking everything she thought she had today. “I–“ she paused, and tried again. “I didn’t go to any one high school long enough, and I was too much of an outsider to have boyfriends.”
She abruptly felt ashamed of herself. “I’m the last person who should be trying to tell you what’s normal, Adam. Not one damn thing about my life has ever been normal. The closest I’ve ever come to living a normal life is the last eight months, here, with you and your dad.”
Adam reached out and squeezed her hand. “Well, you fooled me, because you’re doing a really good job.”
Nikita’s heart swelled and she smiled while sternly telling herself not to cry. “Thanks.”
Other than Erin not doing as well as she had hoped in the races themselves, Nikita gathered from all reports that the trip out west had otherwise apparently been a splendid success. Which was good because as her due date was rapidly approaching it was a relief to feel that she could let Adam and the drama of his romantic life fade into the background.
The last of the snow melted in late March, ushering in grey, muddy weather. Adam’s old bedroom was repainted a pale yellow and re-furnished as a nursery. Nikita pulled out the Persian-carpet floor pillows she had found in the autumn and saved ever since, put them in the baby’s room, and silently dared Adam or Michael to say anything at all about them; a dare they had both wisely declined.
In early April the trees began to push out their first bright green leaves and the crocuses and daffodils and tulips burst into riotous spring color. Women from her ski group, working with Miranda and Erin, organized a baby shower for her and Michael. Between their hosts and their partners and their kids, the rest of the families she had met through Michael and Adam, from hunting, or the dojo, or Adam’s sports, and a handful of new friends of her own from her university classes, there were literally scores of people at the Andersen’s house offering gifts and congratulations. Nikita had never in her entire life experienced anything as amazing and as disinterested and as open as that, certainly nothing focused around herself and without any threat of the imminent destruction of the world-as-they-knew-it. She was so overwhelmed she had shut herself in a bathroom and wept while Michael guarded the door and made excuses based on late stage pregnancy.
She was overwhelmed all over again, in a different way, once Adam and his friends carried in all the baby gear they had received, strollers and car seats and a swing and jumpers and baby carriers and diaper bags and a portable crib and a saucer and a highchair and diaper pails and crib mobiles, not to mention piles of clothes and towels and blankets and stuffed animals, and bottles and dishes and spoons and diapers and wipes and creams and lotions, and it filled the living room and spilled into the dining room as well.
Staring at it all in a daze she asked, “did you and Elena have this much stuff for Adam?”
“Yes. We did.” Michael looked a little dazed himself. “But,” he shrugged helplessly, “our house was more than twice as big, so there was someplace to put it all.”
A week out from her due-date, Nikita had read and re-read dozens of books about babies and childbirth, drawn up her ideal birth plan, prepared a kit with all the recommend items, and had knitted two blankets, an afghan, and after a few false starts, booties and an infant cap.
By herself and with Michael, she organized their papers, prepared new documents, stockpiled cash, laid in extra medical supplies, and packed emergency bags for all four of them. It would be just like the Section, had they tracked her after all, to strike while they were at their most distracted and most vulnerable, and least likely to react violently. Certainly, it was the kind of thing she had done, when she was in charge.
Drawing on her still faintly audible Australian drawl, Nikita had created a family history for herself and shared it freely whenever she needed to. Which, given her pregnancy and the inevitable discussions of families and child raising that flowed from this, was often.
This history explained both her accent and set the stage for any quick exit. She highhandedly moved her only sister to Brisbane, and saddled her with their elderly and difficult mother. The imaginary difficult mother being both the reason Nikita had spent her adult life outside of Australia, and the reason they might have to pick up at a moment’s notice to help Nikita’s sister in the event of accident or illness. As in real life, their father was dead. It disturbingly easy to express real anger and real resentment for her sister, and to tell true stories about her childhood living on the thin margin of disaster with an erratic, alcoholic mother.
Everything was ready when the baby came, within a day of his due date. He was born at home, with a midwife in attendance, because Michael and Nikita felt there was no reason to have more contact with officials or hospitals – and their record systems – than necessary. As her pregnancy had been problem free, so was her delivery. Michael and Adam were there, Michael caught the baby and Adam held him while Michael cut the cord. He was healthy and strong and had blue eyes and reddish brown hair. They named him Robert, and called him Robby.
*****
no subject
“Is there any way I can get out of this without being a total dick?”
“No.”
Adam shot back, “You’d know, I guess.”
“Yes. I know.”
They rode in silence for what felt like a long while. Finally, Adam said, “I’ve been thinking. Maybe Nicole wasn’t really the person I should have been mad at.”
is much deeper. They sound like themselves, they sound like real people, they say extremely important things and reveal fundamental things about themselves and their actions, and it's only 55 words long. Just excellent!
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
noting again what she had noticed before, that Adam’s hands were about the same size and shape as Michael’s.
That made me smile
no subject