“I was doing analyst work, I refused to do anything that would endanger my family, or require me to leave Honolulu. For a few years, that was good. The part that sucked was that John couldn’t know. He thought I was a part-time secretary.”
“Did he believe that?”
“Yes. Given how everything turned out in the end, I know I fooled him. Completely. That’s another regret. A big one. Though,” Doris frowned, “it also irritates the hell out of me. How could he have not known? Was he really paying so little attention to me?” She paused, then shook herself out of whatever memories were surfacing with a wry smile. “Actually, it seems that there are a whole lot’a regrets right there, missy. And none of them any of your business.”
Kono accepted that door closing, and returned to the main thread of the story. “You didn’t stay an analyst.”
“No. I still wouldn’t leave Hawaii, so I became a case manager, a handler. A desk jockey. I swore I wouldn’t make the same mistakes as all those stupid fuckups in DC, back when I was in the field.”
“But?”
“But I did. And it came back to bite me in the ass. So fucking hard.”
“Wo Fat.”
“Is part of all that. Yes.”
“You’re still not going to tell me what all went down, are you.”
“No. I haven’t told Steve, who has more right to know than anyone. I’m definitely not going to tell you.”
“Why haven’t you?”
“Told Steve?”
“Yeah.”
“They aren’t my secrets, Kono. They are state secrets. Matters of national security. Not just information I’m holding back to be mean to Steve. I took oaths, made promises. Stars in my eyes, yes, but, steel too. There’s a part of me that still believes in all that crazy patriotic stuff I believed when I was seventeen. I really do believe that what I gave up most of my adult life for, matters. There is also still stuff I don’t fully know, about who and how and why. Steve, being his father’s son, and mine, won’t stop until he has it all. Or dies trying. The only way I can see to prevent that is to give him nothing. Nothing at all.”
“Even if he hates you?”
“He doesn’t hate me. He loves me. That’s what makes it hurt so bad.”
“Is that why you stayed dead as long as you did?”
“I’d’ve stayed dead until I really died, if it had been up to me. But Steve pushed so hard that others thought that my coming in from the cold was the only chance of slowing him down.”
“Why would you have stayed dead?”
“Peace and ignorance seemed the only gifts I could give my children. Now they don’t even have that. There’s another regret for you.”
Doris pushed aside her cup and rose, brushing off her hands.
Kono stood as well, accepting that this conversation was over.
no subject
“I was doing analyst work, I refused to do anything that would endanger my family, or require me to leave Honolulu. For a few years, that was good. The part that sucked was that John couldn’t know. He thought I was a part-time secretary.”
“Did he believe that?”
“Yes. Given how everything turned out in the end, I know I fooled him. Completely. That’s another regret. A big one. Though,” Doris frowned, “it also irritates the hell out of me. How could he have not known? Was he really paying so little attention to me?” She paused, then shook herself out of whatever memories were surfacing with a wry smile. “Actually, it seems that there are a whole lot’a regrets right there, missy. And none of them any of your business.”
Kono accepted that door closing, and returned to the main thread of the story. “You didn’t stay an analyst.”
“No. I still wouldn’t leave Hawaii, so I became a case manager, a handler. A desk jockey. I swore I wouldn’t make the same mistakes as all those stupid fuckups in DC, back when I was in the field.”
“But?”
“But I did. And it came back to bite me in the ass. So fucking hard.”
“Wo Fat.”
“Is part of all that. Yes.”
“You’re still not going to tell me what all went down, are you.”
“No. I haven’t told Steve, who has more right to know than anyone. I’m definitely not going to tell you.”
“Why haven’t you?”
“Told Steve?”
“Yeah.”
“They aren’t my secrets, Kono. They are state secrets. Matters of national security. Not just information I’m holding back to be mean to Steve. I took oaths, made promises. Stars in my eyes, yes, but, steel too. There’s a part of me that still believes in all that crazy patriotic stuff I believed when I was seventeen. I really do believe that what I gave up most of my adult life for, matters. There is also still stuff I don’t fully know, about who and how and why. Steve, being his father’s son, and mine, won’t stop until he has it all. Or dies trying. The only way I can see to prevent that is to give him nothing. Nothing at all.”
“Even if he hates you?”
“He doesn’t hate me. He loves me. That’s what makes it hurt so bad.”
“Is that why you stayed dead as long as you did?”
“I’d’ve stayed dead until I really died, if it had been up to me. But Steve pushed so hard that others thought that my coming in from the cold was the only chance of slowing him down.”
“Why would you have stayed dead?”
“Peace and ignorance seemed the only gifts I could give my children. Now they don’t even have that. There’s another regret for you.”
Doris pushed aside her cup and rose, brushing off her hands.
Kono stood as well, accepting that this conversation was over.